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Here is an email I wrote shortly after I completed my first 40 day fast. It was to a friend who was about a week into his first 40 day fast... and somehow this personal (and candid) letter to this friend ended up going out on the new-wine list. The Lord used it to prompt about 50 people to fast and seek Him. Somehow I seem to have saved this email from September of 1995. I felt that the Lord would like me to share it with you, so that you could get a feel for what my first 40 day fast was like (the struggles as well as the victories).....
Blessings
-- teresa
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 08:41 PDT
hi.
I hope your fast is going well. I found on mine that starting on about
day 6, I started feeling really unspiritual. I had no interest in reading
His word, worship, prayer, etc. I would force myself to do a little
each day but I felt farther from God than before I started fasting. In
addition to this, my sinful nature kept manifesting -- I found that I was
more irritable than usual. All I wanted to do was to watch TV and play
computer games. I did not want to talk to those who I oversee/pastor at
Church and I became very concerned because part of the purpose of the
fast was to hear God more clearly and to draw closer to Him. It felt
very much like I was going the other direction, which made me question
whether or not there was any merit in doing this fast. From day 6 to
the middle of day 13, it was a definate "low" for me spiritually. I
would pray and ask God whether or not He wanted me to continue this fast --
silence. I consulted a few of my more mature intercessor friends about
this, and they said that unless I get a clear word from the Lord to the
contrary, I should obey what I last heard when I was in a place to hear
clearly -- which was to fast for 40 days. Since it was kinda hard to hear
clearly at this phase in my fast, they suggested I go with the last clear
direction I had. So I kept fasting, despite the fact that I felt more
carnal than ever before in my last year and a half.
Everything came to a "head" for me on day 13. I was tired, grouchy and
irritable. I was supposed to be captian of our renewal ministry team
that night and I couldn't immagine myself praying for folks that night,
much less captianing. I had seen a Pizza Hut commercial advertising their
new pizza with cheese in the crust. For the last three days, that was
all I could think about. I had been waiting in line for 15 minutes to
get on BART (our subway system) and someone cut directly infront of me
and took the last seat, which should have been mine. I was so angry
that I actually made a nasty remark to that person. Then I felt kinda
horrified with myself. I noticed how "ugly" my nature had become and
wondered what type of Christian witness I had become. Furthermore, I
still did not feel close to the Lord, which troubled me because I'm used
to being in very close intimacy with Him. I was troubled over it and
decided on the way home to forget the fast because it seemed to be
drawing me further away from God, not closer to Him. I got off the subway
and walked 10 minutes to my car, then I had a 20 minute drive home.
As I started that drive, I began making plans about how I would get a Pizza
Hut pizza (i.e, drive to a Pizza Hut vs telephoning and having them
deliver it), what type of toppings I wanted, etc. Of course, it had to
have the cheese in the crust, etc. Well, my mouth was really watering
and I could hardly wait to get home and order. But as I drove, I decided
that maybe I should run it by the Lord, just incase He had an opinion.
So I told Him that this fast was drawing me away and that I was going to
have a pizza and asked Him how He felt about it. About then, He
started reminding me how He had called me to this fast, how I'd had alot
of energy and vigor on this fast, how my chronic sickness (a disgestive
disorder) had not acted up since I'd started fasting, etc. It became
clear to me that He wanted me to continue the fast and that He was not
as concerned about my feeling distant from Him that I was. It became
very clear to me that this was a choice of wills -- His or mine. I
knew I had to lay aside my will for His, but it was SO hard. I began
to weep -- quite litterally. I told Him that I did choose His will over
mine, but that this was too hard for me and I needed Him to help me.
I quite litterally died to self just then -- it was the hardest thing I've
ever done.
When I got home, I did NOT order the pizza. Instead, I prayed. God
spoke to me that a temptation was not really a temptation unless it was
really tempting. He said that now I knew what it felt like for Jesus
when He was tempted to turn stones into bread. God comforted me some,
but I'd had a pretty good look at my sinful nature (not that I sinned, just
that I had a clear revelation of how sinful I was by nature) and I was
discusted with myself. I felt really unclean. So, God told me to go
take a shower -- an act in the natural of what He was doing in the spirit.
The whole time in the shower I was discusted and discouraged with my
sinful nature and wondered if there was any hope for me at all. I cried
out for Him to transform me, to make me more like Jesus. I told Him how
much I needed Him to hold me in His arms and just love on me. God
spoke to me in the shower that He would meet me powerfully that evening
at the renewal. I was not sure whether or not it was really His voice,
or just my own wishful thinking putting words into His mouth.
I did not feel like going to the renewal that night, but I had to go
because I had responsibility there. So I went. God came and met me
powerfully. (I've already posted the details to new-wine). It was a
major turning point in my fast. During this time, God told me that there
would be three major temptations (and a lot of attacks) during this
fast. He told me that I'd already been through and passed the first
temptation -- laying down my lust for pizza for His will. He said that
if I looked to Him and His strength, I would be able to get through all
three temptations, but if I trusted in my own strength -- I'd fail.
After that, I began to see more and more clearly in the spirit. All
of the sudden, I was operating at a whole new higher level in the
prophetic. It was a very powerful time and the fast became very dear
to me. I did encounter some incredible attackes but God's grace was all
over me to get through them. I made it a daily prayer that God would
guard the attitudes of my heart, because I was not capable of guarding
my heart on my own. Some really horrible things happened to me. I
cannot immagine how I managed to come through them with no bitterness,
no anger, no unforgiveness and no fear. It had to be the Holy Spirit
guarding my heart, because left to my own devices I would have had all
of those attitude sins. I began to see evidence after evidence of His
grace in my life.
One of my own personal goals of this fast was 100% discernment of His
will from not His will. Coupled with that I also wanted the grace to
obey what I heard. He spoke to me and told me that He has granted this
request, but that it is a process He will take me through to get there
not an instantaneous thing. He said that it would be an accelerated
process, but that it must be a process because the accountability to
obey goes way up as the discernment goes up. I would get destroyed if
I did not learn to obey as I learned to hear, which is why He makes it
a process -- so that I can continuously practice obeying at the level
I am capable of hearing at. I told Him I could hardly wait for the time
when my discernment was close to 100% accurate. He sort of grinned at me
and told me that one day I'd look back longlingly to when I was not
capable of hearing so clearly. He said that right now I can get away with
all sorts of things that I won't be able to get away with then. He said
that sometimes He will ask me to do things that I dont want to do and
that I'll wish I did not know His voice so clearly so I would not have
to do them. He said that I should not be discouraged by what He's
telling me because there will be great joy and great victory in laying
down my will for His will.
As the fast came close to ending, I did not want to break it because I
was enjoying such an increased level of intimacy with Him, of discernment
into what He was doing at the moment and of increased power. I started
serriously considering going longer. I was supposed to break the fast on
Friday (Sept 22), but Todd Hunter (head of the US branch of AVC) was
to speak at our renewal meeting that night. Wouldn't it be neat to
extend the fast one day and to have that increased power/discrenment to
minister at this important renewal meeting?...
God spoke to me and told me that it would be equally disobedient to fast
longer than He told me to as it would be to break the fast early. He said
that the critical ingredient here was not the fast, but the obedience.
One of the major things that happened to me on this fast was a commissioning
of sorts into a higher level of the prophetic. Just about everyone who
I prayed for would come back to me later and say, "How did you know to
pray such-and-such?" Also, I find that I am doing a great deal more
directive prophesy during personal ministry. This is something I used to
really shy away from. But God gives me a word of knowledge or two so that
the person knows it's really Him. Then He gives the person directions
as well as encouragement. For instance, He had me tell one man who I did
not even was having marriage problems to be more patient with his wife and
to stop treating her like she does not care about God's Lordship in her life.
He said that He wants to lead and guide the wife and cause her to grow, but
that the man is overly restrictive and does not give God room to move in his
wife's life. God told him to bear her up in love and to encourage her, just
as Jesus loves and encourages his church. They the Lord promised him that
she would raise up and become the helpmate He'd created her to be, complete
in Christ and able to love and trust him and to look to him for leadership
in their relationship. After the ministry was over, he told me that I'd
just hit the major issues in their marriage and that he had been sort of
trampling and overbearing on his wife. He was very encouraged by this
ministry because it was clear that God wanted to come into the relationship
and bring His grace and fullness into it. (God is SO awesome, but you
already know that).
I would say that my walk is back to where it was before the fast in terms
of intimacy with the Lord. I've had a pretty close relationship with Him
for a few years now. But I am continuing to operate at a higher level
in the prophetic and also continuing to have an increased level of
discernment in the spirit.
I felt that the Lord wanted me to share with you some of the struggles of
this fast so that you would not be discouraged if you find yourself going
through struggles on your fast. Sometimes we have to get into desparate
situations so that God can come and show His glory. Without trials, we
would not have those awesome testamonies of how He came and glorified
His name in the situation!
blessings!
-teresa
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