Grace (March 26, 2000)

The Lord is teaching me to be transparent, and to share my struggles as well as my successes, when He tells me to. There are times when I am prompted to share certain testimonies with people. I believe that this is one such time, that the Lord is asking me to share this with you. It is a story of my failure of how God met me in it with His grace.

Yesterday was day 11 of a fast. God kind of sneaked this fast up on me. I was originally looking to diet because a prophet acquaintance of mine is coming to town at the end of the month and we will be ministering together. We have not seen each over for almost a year, and the last time we were together, I was a bit heavier than I am now. I had mentioned to her that I was down to a size 6 now, and she had told me that she'd love to see me as a size 6. Well, that was months ago. Since then, I had gained about 7 or 8 pounds. I was still a size 6, but the pants were tight on me instead of loose. About 4 weeks before she was due to arrive, I decided I'd like to go back on a diet and loose those 8 lbs (maybe even loose 10) that I'd look really good when she saw me. (I think the Lord allows us that type of vanity from time to time.. as long as we don't get captivated by it.)

Well, I tried to diet and I each day something would come along that I could not resist. My diet was not working. I got frustrated with it, so I asked God to help me diet.

"Teresa, make it a fast unto Me, and then I will help you."

Well, that sounded like a good idea. So I began a Daniel Fast, with the goal of drawing closer to Him taking priority over my original goal to loose weight. I wanted it to be a Daniel Fast because you can often keep of the weight you loose on a Daniel Fast, but I don't usually keep off the weight I loose on a strict fast. However, God re-arranged my fast (and my goals regarding fasting) after I'd been on it a while. I ended up starting over on this sort of fast within a fast.. I usually get up some where between 3:30 and 4:00 AM to start my day, and I was not allowed to have anything but non-nutritive liquids (water, decaf coffee, decaf tea, diet soda) until noon. After noon, it gets less strict and I can add in non-fat milk. I know that sounds like a weird fast. But is what God asked me to do. And it was working and I was drawing really close to Him. God was speaking to me more clearly, teaching me about trust and I was having incredible experiences on a daily basis of moving with Him in His power and anointing.

Yesterday was day 11 of this revised (liquid-only) fast. I was HUNGRY most of the day. I think maybe I was not drinking enough water that day and that was why I got so hungry. Up til yesterday, there had been a supernatural grace on the fast.. and I'd hardly been hungry at all. But yesterday was a hungry day. My hubby came home that evening with a Pizza Hut Pizza. I was in the family room, which is right of the kitchen. I was watching an interesting movie, so I did not want to leave the area. It smelled SO good, and I was hungry anyhow. I tried to resist for about 1/2 hour.. then I could not resist any more. I ended up having some of the pizza. I knew I was breaking the fast, and I felt bad about it.. but that pizza was calling my name and I did not have the will power to resist. (Looking back, the smart thing to do would have been to turn the movie off and go upstairs the instant I smelled the Pizza instead of sitting in smelling range and trying to resist.)

The eating did not last all that long. After the movie, it was time for my evening devotions. I was a bit hesitant about facing the Lord since I knew I'd broken by fast. I knew the fast was supposed to go at least 14 days, and I'd ended it prematurely. But God has taught me to run to Him when I feel dirty and disqualified instead of running away from Him. So I came to Him and asked Him how He felt about this.

"Well, Teresa," the Lord replied, "you sinned. You disobeyed Me. You did not even ask Me to help you, or I would have."

He was right.. I had not even asked Him for help. I was truly sorry and I repented. And I received His forgiveness.

"Now what do you want me to do Lord?"

"I want you to get right back on the fast."

"You mean start all over again?"

"No, get back on the one I put you one. You will find tomorrow a tad harder because you have recently eaten. But if you will obey Me in this, I will help you."

"You mean I can continue the fast I broke?" I had assumed that once I broke a fast it was gone.. broken.. and that I was disqualified from anything gained on the fast. I thought that this assignment was forever gone and there was no hope of redeeming in once I'd failed. But God seemed to be saying that was not the case.

"Yes child. My grace is sufficient for you. It would have been better had asked Me for help before breaking the fast. I would have helped you. But since you have come to Me now, you are not disqualified. Purpose in your heart to obey Me in this and I will continue to help you with it."

Such grace! I was overwhelmed by His grace. Here I expected to be punished for blowing it. Instead God was restoring me and giving me hope and promising to help me be successful in obeying Him.

So, after a slight breech, here I am on day 12 of my fast. So far His grace has been on me heavily. That increased intimacy is still there. The clear hearing is still there. (Those were the main goals of my fast.) God is continuing to speak to me and to reveal Himself to me in deeper ways. I am keenly aware that I blew it last night, but I am also keenly aware of just how powerful His grace is towards us when we repent and sincerely seek to line up with His will. He is good, and He is available to help us when we ask Him to.

So if you have had a "failure" experience in your walk with the Lord, do not disqualify yourself and run away from God. Rather, run to Him, repent and receive His grace and His re-instatement. He will not disqualify you if you run to Him when you fail.. instead He will empower you to be an overcomer and to walk in His victory.