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Last week I talked about ministering in love, and how we must be careful to watch out for the feelings of person you are ministering to. We need to treat them with respect and dignity when we minister to them. That is a very important principle, but there is a flip-side to it. This week, I want to talk about that flip-side; e.g., how to deal with abuse, hostility and inappropriate responses from the person who you minister to.
The sad truth is that there will be times when a person's woundedness or emotional immaturity will make them react inappropriately to you. You may get responses of hostility, name calling, accusations that you are a false prophet, or other forms of abuse. We need to be aware that this can happen, and we need to know how God expects us to deal with it. And that is what I am going to talk about this week.
As I explained last week, our goal is to treat everyone in love and kindness with gentleness. But there are times when someone becomes inappropriately abusive. The usual cause for that is a very deep and painful woundedness in the person's life, along with unresolved issues of anger, hostility or rage. You word somehow acted as an emotional trigger to bring that pain up to the surface. Then, acting in that pain, they will give you what seems like a hostile and inappropriate response.
Please understand that this hostility is usually not really about you or what you said in your word. Their "pain" of some past woundedness in their life has risen up. It has overwhelmed them, and when they lash out at you, they are really reacting to this pain and not to you. It will look and feel like a personal attack, but most of the time, it isn't really personal, it is their "woundedness" seeking a release from their pain. To put it another way: They are "acting" out of their inner hostility and pain; your word triggered some deep issue and the reaction you see is not related to you.
God loves them dearly, and He understands their pain. But He does not expect you to become a punching-bag for this person to take their frustration out on. When someone's woundedness drives them to become inappropriately hostile or abusive, they are out of line. God does not consider that behavior acceptable, and He doesn't expect you to receive abuse from a fellow believer in the name of "ministering in love."
For this sake of this discussion, let's assume that you always minister from a right heart and spirit. E.g., you do your best to minister in love, to guard the person's feelings and to give only true God-words to people. There are two things you need to know.
The first is that even though you do your best to speak only what God is saying, it is still possible that you could make a mistake or hear wrong. You could inadvertently misrepresent God's word to someone. If that happens, it is not a crime, it is part of growing in your gifting. If you make a mistake when you minister in love to someone, you do NOT deserve to be punished for that mistake. God doesn't want to punish you for the mistake. He doesn't give permission to the person to punish you or abuse you for that mistake. God knows that occasionally we make mistakes, and that is why the bible commands us to judge prophesies instead of accepting them blindly. It is also why His Holy Spirit works with you when you deliver a word. He will usually give the person an inner witness (or confirm the word to them) when you deliver a God word. He will usually put a guard (or check) in their spirit if you inadvertently misrepresent His message to them.
Most people understand that mistakes happen because we are not perfected yet. They will simply judge the word and handle it graciously if they deem it is not a God-word. They will usually still love the messenger even if they judge that the message came out wrong.
In short, say the absolute worst thing happens and you mess up--you accidentally deliver a faulty word. That does not give anyone the right to pour out their hostility on you or to abuse you.
(Of course, it is also important that in those situations you walk in humility and acknowledge your mistake. When you respond humbly and continue to walk in love and graciousness, then your godly character shows. Chances are the person will see your character and continue to respect both you and your gifting despite the mistake.)
We never want to misrepresent God's word to anyone. But if our heart is right and we make a mistake, God does not disqualify us. He will help us learn from the mistake and He will continue to speak through us in the future. To reiterate, even if you get the word wrong, that does not give the person you gave it to a right to abuse you or treat you with hostility.
There is a second thing that you need to know. Sometimes you get the word right and deliver a perfect God-word, but the person still will not receive it. Maybe it is a blind spot or maybe they just need to die to some area of their "flesh" or maybe it is scary to them. It is OK when that happens, it is not a reflection on you. Your job is simply to deliver God's message; it is not to coheres someone into receiving the word. In fact, it is the Holy Spirit's job to speak to deal with someone when they have trouble receiving His word.
As I said earlier, most people are gracious and reasonable to you even when they don't receive your prophecy. But sometimes you run across a wounded person who will lash out at you with criticism, hostility or even abuse. They may attack you personally, but usually it is really something else (deep woundedness) that causes them to react hostilely.
Everyone who moves in the prophetic is bound to run into a severely wounded individual at some point in their ministry. All the same, it will probably catch you by surprise when this happens to you. You will do something that seems innocent, completely unaware that you touched on a "sore point" or "trigger" that sets this person off. Their response will seem to unduly defensive, hostile or abusive for no apparent reason.
When this happens, please remember that they are not a "bad" person; they are just wounded. They are not acting intentionally, they are reacting of their pain at that moment. God understands their pain, but that doesn't mean that He wants you take abuse from them.
[There is one exception to this. There are certain people who God has especially called and gifted to work with healing severely wounded individuals. They have the ability to ignore inappropriate hostility and personal attacks, and they use the love of God to nurse the wounded individual to a place of healing and wholeness. I like to call that the "gift of compassion for the healing of broken hearts." If you have this gift, then I am not talking to you in this fireside chat. I bless those of you who are specially called to minister in this way. I am glad that the Lord uses people like you to bring His healing to those who act hostile or abusive because of their own deep hurt. If you have that gift, please operate in it as the Lord leads you to do. But please also understand that most of the people who operate in the prophetic do not have your particular gifting; and those are the ones who I am talking to in this fireside chat.]
Last week I taught about how God expects us to minister in love. He expects us to care about the person we are ministering to, and He expects us to protect their feelings. It is important to do that; we must to do our best to act with God's love in all situations--even in the face of someone who is overwhelmed with undue hostility. But "ministering in love" doesn't mean we have to endure their hostility and abuse. That is not love, it is just poor utilization of "boundaries."
God wants you to have compassion for the one who is so overwhelmed with their own brokenness, hostilities and past hurts that they lash out at you. He expects you to forgive them. He does not want you to harbor any offense or resentment in your heart towards that person. But He does not expect you to take their or inappropriate treatment just because they are wounded. In short, their pain does not give them permission to attack you.
God doesn't want us to confuse ministering in His love with taking unwarranted abuse from a hostile and wounded Christian. (Of course, there could be exceptions to this where God gives us specific instructions to pour extra and sacrificial love on a given person.) But if God doesn't instruct you otherwise, you do not need to allow them to abuse you because of the word that you gave.
You should be remain civil and you must not resort to their level. Don't say hurtful things to them, don't threaten them with punishment for "touching His anointed," and don't be mean or rude. But don't stay there and receive their abuse either.
Here are a few ways that you can politely do this.
The bottom line is that we must always minister in love when we prophesy. But the flipside is that ministering in love does not mean we have to receive hostility or abuse from a wounded and hostile person.