One of the things the Lord spoke to me alot about on the trip was a mindset that limited Him in what He could do through me. Since He was addressing a "blind spot", He had to use a lot of repetition and independent confirmation to get through to me.

One of the mindsets that He addressed was what He called a "spirit of poverty" mentality. I don't know where it came from, but somewhere in there I had become convinced that there is "no money" in ministry, especially a ministry with an internet base, and that I should not look for the ministry to support me (even though I worked over 40 hours a week at it). I thought that maybe God wanted me to have a tentmaker job to "pay the bills" in addition to my ministry job.

One of the verses He used on the plane was "do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain." I wasn't really sure what that was about, so I had to look it up in the bible. The verse comes from Deut 25:4, but it is also quoted in 1 Cor 9:9 and 1 Tim 5:18. The 1 Cor 9:9 verse is part of a 14 verse passage that ends with (verse 14), "In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should receive their living from the gospel." That hit me really hard, because I had spent over a year crying out to God to "pay me for the ministry I'm doing" convinced that He was not all that eager to do so. I felt I could not keep working two full time jobs because it was driving me into the ground with exhaustion. God began to speak to my heart that it was actually wrong of me to do this (the tentmaker job as well as the ministry one) because it hurt the ministry -- I was tired and worn out after 5 years of doing this, my health was failing from exhaustion and I could not put as much of myself into the ministry as I should because I had become worn down.

When we hit our 8 hour layover in Sao Paulo, I ended up chatting with John, who is one of our staff pastors. He used to be a highly successful business man who owned his own company. He left that all behind for ministry, but he still knows/understands a lot about business and is in the process of setting up a fellowship/ministry for Christian businessmen and businesswomen. I shared a little of what I thought God was speaking to me on the plane. He agreed and suggested that perhaps I had been inadvertently resisting God when I resisted pretty much any/all fundraising activity for/through Godspeak. I had been looking for God to spontaneously bring in the money and perhaps God was telling me to make the needs known to the ministry -- e.g., maybe He wanted me to work with Him in it and do my part, just as He wanted the children of Israel to work with Him in taking the promised land after the 40 years in the wilderness. John reminded me of that joke about the man who died in the flood:

A man was standing before the Lord in heaven, confused why God did not come through for him but allowed him to die in a flood. When the waters first started rising, a rescue truck came through and offered to evacuate him. He said, "No thank you, God will rescue me." The waters began to rise and he had to climb to the 2nd story of his two story house. He was looking out of his window and a neighbor came by in a row boat. "Jump in," the neighbor said, "and I will rescue you." "No thank you," the man replied, "God will rescue me." A little later another neighbor came by on a speed boat and the same exchange took place. The waters continued to rise, and the man had to climb on top of his roof to stay alive. A rescue helicopter came by and dropped it's rope ladder near him. "Climb up," he was told, and I will rescue you." The man was a bit shaken because of the rushing water all about him, still rising rapidly. But he mustered what little remained of his faith and said, "No thank you. God will rescue me."

The waters continued to rise and the man drowned. When He stood before the Lord, he asked, "God, I stood in great faith for You to rescue me. Why didn't You come through for me?"

"Son," the Lord replied, "I tried four times but you were not willing. I sent a rescue truck, two boats and a helicopter..."

I was immediately reminded of last GodSpeak board meeting where all of the board members had been telling me to send out emails asking for donations, making people aware of the financial need, other fund raising ideas, etc. And I had simply discarded all that they had suggested. I began to realize that maybe instead of "obeying God" on this I was in fact resisting God. I began to ask God how/why I was resisting Him. Over the course of the week, and especially on the flight home, God spoke to me a lot about this. He told me that I'd developed a "spirit of poverty" mentality in ministry, and that He wanted to break that off of me.

As I prayed and asked Him for insights on what to do, He began to give me several ideas of how to make the ministry self-sustaining so that I don't have to work a full time secular job to support the ministry. He also began speaking to me that this was the time and season to stop having a tentmaker job and to take my income from ministry. I remember saying something to Him like, "Lord have you looked at the books? There is not any money in there to take an income from, not even a very modest income!" He gave me back the verse, "You have not because you ask not." "But God," I replied, "I have been praying and crying out to You for over a year to bring in money and make the ministry self supporting so that I could quit my secular job." The Lord began to speak to me that I needed to ask those who benefit from the ministry to sow into it, as well as some other specifics that He showed me. (I will be sharing these with those on the GodSpeak lists in the near future.)

At times I am a doubting Thomas and I struggle and double-check and triple-check what I hear and then still am not sure it was God's voice instead of my own imagination. I was concerned that I not "jump ahead of God's timing" just because of present circumstances. I had been laid off once 8 years ago. At that time I thought about going into full time ministry because I did not have a secular job and when I prayed it through, it had become clear that God was not calling me to ministry at that time. It took over a month, but I found a new job and God had blessed me at that job for 8 years.

Now I was unemployed again. I did not want to presume that God wanted me to go into being supported solely by ministry just because I was unemployed. On the other hand, if I took a new job, I would have to really pour myself into it because there is always a sharp learning curve when you start a new software job. That meant that I would drastically have to cut back on GodSpeak stuff -- I would not have nearly as much time for it as I would have to put a lot more time and energy into my new job. I seemed to be faced with a decision to either go into solely full time ministry (no supplemental tent-maker job) or I needed to pour myself into the business world (a.k.a., the "marketplace") and drastically scale back the ministry job. I knew I could not do a decent job at either if I tried to do both. So I felt I really needed to hear from God.

The first thing God did was to remind me of Elijah. After he delivered the "no rain" prophecy, God told him to go to the Kerith Ravine east of the Jordan and drink from the brook and God would send ravens to bring him food (1 Kings 17:1-6). This was roughly equivalent to where I had been these last 5 years in ministry -- God was opening doors and meeting me in wonderful ways, but I was not dependent on another person for my provision because I had the God-given job to substitute for ministry income. I was independent, able to fund anything I felt God wanted me to do out of my own resources.

But Elijah's story goes on in verse 7 to 15. Basically, the brook dried out -- God's provision for his situation changed. God did not make a new brook appear. Instead, God send Elijah to go live with a poor widow from Zarephath of Sidon. God provided miraculously for her and her son, in order that she might provide for Elijah. His situation changed -- suddenly it was not just God and Elijah any more. Now Elijah was dependent on another person for his support. Then God spoke to me and said, "Your river has dried up. It is time to move on and allow Me to provide for your support through others."

That should have been pretty clear. But I began to worry, what if that is my own thoughts imitating God's voice and telling me what I want to hear, that I need to move solely into full time ministry. So I went to my mentors (four of them) and shared what I thought I might be hearing -- and all of them strongly agreed with me, making comments like, "It's about time." Even after that, I was still not 100% convinced. I had this fear in the back of my mind.. what if I am called to the marketplace and not to full time ministry? I felt I really needed to know from God that He was calling me to abandon my tent-making to concentrate solely on ministry. Suddenly (and without having made public what I was considering) I started getting a slew of unsolicited prophecies -- some were from people on my ministry email lists and some were from people who are considered "established prophets." They were all saying the same thing.

One word said, "The Lord is saying to you, 'You can not keep up the pressure of three full time jobs. Three you ask? Yes a full time secular job, a full time ministry with Godspeak and church, and a full time job as a wife and homemaker. He is asking you to trust Him for your financial needs in the same way that you trust Him for you healing, both for yourself and those you pray for.... as you develop your faith in the area of finances like you have in the area of healing and deliverance, the Lord will honor you beyond your wildest expectations...'"

Despite all of these "independent confirmations," I struggled with whether or not God was calling me to lay down my tent-making job to concentrate solely on ministry, expecting to draw my income from that ministry. Finally God said to me, "Teresa, what will it take to convince you? Do I have to hit you over the head with a baseball bat?"

Often times God shows me something by recalling something to my memory. He did that to underscore His last statement. He recalled something that Randy Clark had shared when I was in Brazil. He talked about Heidi Baker, sharing a portion of her testimony. For those of you who don't know who Heidi Baker is, she is a missionary to Mozambique -- she and her husband Rolland have been the key leaders in a major revival there where thousands of people are getting saved daily, where there are major healings and miracles going on and where several people have been raised from the dead.

Heidi came to Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship some years ago when Randy was ministering there. She was a burnt-out missionary at the time, having sown for years and not having seen much fruit of her labors. She was at the point where she could not go on, where she was desperate for God. God touched her powerfully when Randy prayed for her, then God gave Randy a prophetic word for Heidi, that He would give her the country of Mozambique, that she would see blind eyes open and many other things. Heidi believed the prophecy.

Things got worse at first, she developed a crippling neurological disorder and her entire family held ended up in the hospital at the same time with Malaria and other serious things. She practiced praying for every blind person that she saw, and for a while, none of them got healed. Then the church that provided 80% or more of her missions income told her to renounce the Toronto Blessing or they would cut off her funding. She refused and she lost the funding. About then the property that housed her orphanage was confiscated by the government. She was in a very destitute place, but she held onto the prophecy and believed it. She kept saying "God promised me this stuff, and He will do it."

Suddenly God turned things around for her. She was miraculously healed as the orphans prayed for her. A revival broke out and people started getting saved by the thousands. God began to release signs and wonders in their midst. At present, most people consider the revival in Mozambique to be the most powerful revival on the face of the earth at this time. Heidi held onto her prophetic word and God fulfilled it.

God brought the word I had been given to my memory and He brought Heidi's testimony to my memory and then He said, "Teresa, you have a word, just like Heidi did. What are you going to do with it?"

I decided to stop doubting, to stop resisting, and to begin believing God to fulfill His word to me.