As usual, God woke me in the wee hours of the morning to have fellowship with Him. Only this time God's agenda for the fellowship time was quite different. "Teresa," He told me, "I want you to pretend that W__ is here in front of you and I want you to tell W__ what you have against him." (W__ is a minister who had wronged me a couple of years ago, as well as offended some of my friends, and I still had a bit of "ought" against him in my heart. I thought I'd forgiven him, but some months ago when I heard he was going to be speaking in my area, that old offense rose up in me. So I had spent some time working on it before I came to India, and once again I thought I'd resolved it and forgiven him completely. But God asked me to pretend the three of us (God, me and W___) were in the room together. Then He told me to tell W__ what I felt in my heart. I took that as a pretty good indication that God must not be satisfied with my "resolution." I was a bit surprised that God would bring that up, since W__ had not even crossed my mind in weeks and weeks.
"Ok Lord," I said. I sat up cross-legged in bed (inside of the bug tent). I sort of envisioned W__ sitting in the chair next to the bed. I began to recite to him what he had done that hurt me and told him how his actions had made me feel. (The part that really got me was when he later told me that he knew and understood that what he was doing would hurt me, but did it intentionally because he was mad at me about something. I could not understand how a minister of God could knowingly and intentionally treat someone like that.) Then I told him that I forgave him. When I finished, God suggested that I try it again. So I did. We went through three cycles of this and it became clear to me that I was not accomplishing whatever it was God wanted accomplished from this time.
So I finally asked God to please help me in the process. We did it one more time. When I finished, God said, "Teresa tell W__ what changes you would require from him in order to respect him again.' I thought about it for a while -- what change did I want from him. Then it hit me. "W__ the thing I really have against you is that you don't minister in love. You minister in anointing, but not in love, and as a result you have the ability to really hurt people because you don't care about them. I would not feel safe sending my friends to you for ministry, or receiving ministry from you myself, until you learn to minister in love."
As I said that, it was like a realization hit me. Suddenly God began speaking to me about W__'s past and about issues that he had confided to me when we were in close relationship. He had not felt loved when he was growing up and he had issues with his mother. Suddenly it hit me -- W__ was not a wicked person who intentionally hurt me to be mean. He was a wounded person and I had somehow triggered one of his deep unresolved issues. That was why he responded the way he did, because of his own woundedness. Wow. All traces of offense were gone and compassion for W__ rose up in me. I realized he was still dangerous and had the capacity to hurt people, but that was because he still needed healing in this area. Now I wanted God to heal him so that this thing would not get in the way of his ministry and calling anymore in his life. I was so amazed at the difference in me as I realized that -- there were no more traces of offense, only compassion.
"Ok, Lord, I think I got it. Thank you for showing me that. But I am a bit confused. Why did you want me to deal with my feelings about W__ here in India?"
The Lord told me it was because of what He wanted me to preach that afternoon. He wanted me to preach on developing intimacy with God. And one point in that teaching is how we could not have close intimacy with God if we had ought or unforgiveness against our brethren. He told me that He could not empower me to preach that until I had dealt with my issue with W__, and that is why we worked on that.
Then God switched gears and began giving me detailed instructions for the day. He had me bring a certain number of cross necklaces with me from the USA to give away as presents. God told me to take one of the crosses with me to the service because He wanted me to give it away as part of an object lesson on receiving from God, because He wanted to give them the gift of faith. I was scheduled to speak at a two-session women's retreat that day (for professional women). God told me to call one of the young women up-front and give her the gift-wrapped cross, and that was to serve as an object lesson. Then He gave me the outline on a sermon for growing in our faith. Then He told me that in the afternoon session I was to teach on intimacy with God, and I was to spend some time developing the part about being in right relationship with each other (emphasizing forgiveness) if we want to be in close and intimate relationship with Him.
I am still not all that good at wrapping sarees, so one of the pastor's daughters came to my hotel room to help me wrap my saree. Her name is Michelle and she is one of the sweetest people I met in India. She is a college student attending a college about a six-hour train ride away. When she heard that a prophet from the USA was coming to speak at the women's retreat, she felt she must come to that. So she cut classes for three days to come home to attend the retreat. Her main motivation for this was because she was seeking God for the baptism of the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues. She was so hungry for God. I took an immediate liking to her. There was one little thing that bothered me about her - she had a really bad cold (sneezing and bad cough) and I was a bit concerned I'd catch it from her. But God had been protecting me so powerfully on this trip, so I assumed He'd probably protect me from the cold as well.
We went to a buffet at a four-star hotel for breakfast, that was located near the hall they'd rented for the retreat. They gave me a brochure advertising the conference and told me to expect about 100 ladies. I can't read Telegu, but some parts were also in English, including the start time and end time. The conference was advertised to start at 9 AM and go to 4 PM. It was already 9:30 AM as we entered the restaurant. I asked them if maybe we should skip breakfast and go straight to the conference since we were late. They told me that in India they always advertised things an hour earlier than it really starts because everyone is always an hour late. They said that everyone understood it would really start at 10:00 AM.
So the four of us went in for breakfast -- Sharath, Pastor Joshua, myself and Michelle). It was an all-you-can-eat buffet. I noticed that Michelle was not eating, so I asked her if she felt OK. (She did have a pretty bad cold, maybe it was effecting her appetite.) She said she felt fine. Then her father volunteered that she was fasting. I asked her if she was fasting because she was seeking God for the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and she said "yes". Then she explained that everyone in her family, except her, had received the baptism of the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues and she wanted it too. She was desperate for it and could not understand why He hadn't already given it to her, because she wanted it so badly. As she spoke, I found myself in silent prayer that God would give her the gift of tongues she was seeking Him for at the meeting that morning.
We arrived at the meeting. They had rented the main auditorium of the biggest church in town, a Lutheran church that seated about 350 on the lower level and another 150 or so in the upper balcony. But the pastor's wife had gotten confused on the date and rented the main sanctuary for a wedding. So they had moved the morning session to a really nice and cozy room upstairs that would seat about 75 comfortably, and it would be possible to crowd the expected 100 into the room. I actually liked the alternate room better. The main auditorium was made of marble and was cold and formal and the people were seated a really long way away from the platform. The main auditorium seemed cold and distant. But the alternate room was very nice and better suited for the type of ministry I do.
The worship was still going on when I arrived. It was really good worship and was closer to the style of worship we do in my own church. They even did one song in English for me -- and it felt so good to worship in my native tongue! They had expected about 100 ladies, but actual attendance was about half of that. There were several men mixed into the crowd.. about 1/3 of the people at the lady's retreat were men.
[ Testimony Index Page ] [ Previous Article ] [ Next Article ]