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I still felt the Lord's presence on me. I wanted to go back to the spot where I had been laying and invite the Lord to give me "more" of Him. But someone had already moved into the spot I had been in. So, as long as I was standing, I decided to get back in prayer line. I stood there for about 20 minutes, worshiping and having a great time.
Then an older man (who was part of the guest ministry team from Texas) came up to me. He shook my wrist, pulling me out of worship, and asked if he could pray for me. I said yes. He prayed a little and then began prophesying over me. He used the first person, as though God was speaking directly to me through him. He said that I was a child of Sarah and that God wanted to use me. But I had to turn from my own will to God's. I started feeling very uncomfortable with this prophesy and was praying silently "wait a minute Lord! Hasn't it been my constant prayer for the last three years to do Your will, not mine? Haven't I been asking You to change me and to show me what You're doing so I can do it with You? Haven't I been telling you that I want to do only what You're doing, no more and no less? How come You're bawling me out for wanting to do my own will instead of Yours?" The prophesy went on to say that I needed to begin to pray and read my bible. That really did not feel like it fit me -- after all, I'm an intercessor and spend a fair portion of most days in prayer. I've not only been reading my Bible, I've been memorizing it. Admittedly, I have days where I don't get into the word like I should, but my general life-style is to spend time in God's word each day. There was no inner witness with this prophesy. There was a promise that God would use me in great power and had plans for me. But there was also a fair amount of rebuke about areas that I did not think were out of line. I did not have any inner witness in my spirit that this word was from the Lord. I started putting more of my attention into figuring out whether or not this was really the Lord than into receiving the word. If God was really rebuking me, then I wanted to get right with Him, but he was not touching any of the areas where God might legitimately want to rebuke me and seemed to be hitting on areas were my walk was pretty in-line with what I perceived it should be.
I did not really feel the Lord in this ministry, but I was not sure. Anyhow, I did not go down. I kept asking God if He was as displeased with me as this prophesy sounded. Or was He offering a constructive rebuke and I was too defensive to accept it from His hand? I remained standing up front for a while, waiting on the Lord. The man left me and went to the person beside me. He asked her if she'd been prayed for yet, explaining that people were only allowed to get prayer once per night. I remember doing a double-take; I thought that TAV encouraged people to get as much prayer as they could absorb. Had they changed their policy or was he off-base? It was already approaching midnight so hopefully everyone had an opportunity to be prayed for at least once by now. Later he "ministered" to another woman who did not speak any English. I remember hearing him pray, "Oh Lord, please overcome the language barrier and bless her even though she can not understand me explaining to her how You are blessing her." That was about as much as I could take. I was caught up in him instead of the Lord.
I did not feel very good about him as a minister and I had problems with the word he spoke over me. So I told the Lord, "Lord, I'm having trouble with that word. I'm going to assume it is not from You and reject it. If I've made a mistake and it's really from You, please speak it to me again and I will accept it. Or feel free to convict my heart instead if that's how You'd like to deal with me. But I am rejecting this as not from You until You show me otherwise."
I left the alter area, still feeling unsettled. I sat down by Barbara and we chatted for a while. I mentioned this experience to her and she said that it did not seem to fit me very well based on the little bit that we've gotten to know each other.
Then I asked Barbara if she'd been up for prayer and she said that God almost never lets her get prayed for. She usually ends up "going down" before anyone gets around to pray for her and they don't usually pray for those who are already down. So I suggested we go up together and I'd help her. As we approached the prayer line, Barbara started shaking quite a bit and her legs got weak. She also appeared to be somewhat drunk. I helped support her and was half-carrying her. By the time we reached the end of the prayer line, she collapsed in a heap on the floor and started shaking and laughing. It looked like the spirit was on her, so I didn't worry about it at all. I stood by her for a while, sort of soaking her in silent prayer. But that guy who I was so uncomfortable with was hovering around me and looked like he might try to pray for me again. Since Barbara was already down and enjoying the Lord, I decided to move to a "safer" location.
I went to the other side of the stage, where a pleasant looking short older lady was working her way down a prayer line. She was also from Texas. She had just finished praying for someone and they went down. She soaked that person for a second and then moved on to the next person. The one who was down immediately got up and walked off. So I decided to stand in that spot. I did not really expect that lady to pray for me since she was moving the other direction down the line. But I stood there anyhow, just waiting on the Lord. I could overhear her ministry with the next person and it was full of love and I could sense the presence of the Lord radiating off of her. Even though we never said a word to each other, I found myself really liking her. I was starting to feel more settled and was able to enter back wholeheartedly into worship.
When she finished praying for that person, she came and stood in front of me. I was starting to feel really full of the Lord again and was enjoying His presence. I felt like God spoke to me about her and said, "This one is Mine and speaks My words."
She stood there for about three or four minutes and then said, "I see you full of beauty and walking through a dark place." Then she started praying and blessing the Lord's presence on me and blessing my walk and my witness. I was very good prayer and I could feel the Lord's sweetness surrounding me. I could feel His pleasure wash over me, lifting off all heaviness and doubt. After a while I felt myself relaxing and it became too much of a bother to stand. So I allowed myself to go down. She followed me down and prayed a brief blessing over me and then moved on. This prayer certainly built me up instead of pulling me down.
Once I was on the floor, I could feel a light sense of God's presence on me. Mostly I felt accepted and loved. But God did not seem to be doing anything with me at that moment. I stayed there for about 10 minutes, just in case. Then I got up and went back over to Barbara. I pondered what she said to me in my mind -- what did it mean to be full of beauty walking in darkness? I asked the Lord to show me what it meant, but He did not do so at that moment. Actually, He explained it to me the following Sunday. During devotions, He led me to read Isaiah 60, especially verses 1-3. This spoke about being light and beauty in a time of great darkness.
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